We all fantasize about finding that special someone to love us, share great memories with and make us happy. Love is a very powerful natural force, it’s beautiful, and it’s so kind, so warm, and full of compassion. Love is not supposed to hurt, nor inflict us with pain, it is not made to scare or put us in danger. The likes of Romeo, Valentine, and Jack sacrificed their lives for love, but we’ve seen a drastic twist in the love game over the recent years. We see love being used as an excuse to abuse and also to take lives. It’s sad that people are killing each other in the name of love. This tremendous increase in the number of crimes involving intimate relationships is shocking, heart-breaking and so tragic, making one wonder how did all this evil fall down across the earth???
The brutal death of Karabo Mokoena traumatised the nation, leading to the hashtag #MenAreTrash, this because a movement that allowed women to come out and share their horrific and sad experiences of abuse at the hands of their loved ones. The hashtag sparked real debates among friends and on social media, with men coming out defending themselves pointing out that not all of them are trash. I don’t really want to get into much details about the hashtag because I think that it is a broad topic. Intimate partner violence lead to the death of Karabo, I will therefore focus on the dynamics of such relationships. It is no secret that women are much more likely to be victims of intimate partner violence with 85% of domestic abuse victims being women and 15 percent men. Too many women have been held captive by domestic violence; whether through physical abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse or a combination of all three.
When something so horrific occurs, one cannot help but wonder how to spot when the relationship is unhealthy, what triggers it and how do you GET YOURSELF OUT??
Being in a healthy relationship brings joy and comfort but when it becomes unhealthy, it can also do the most damage. A healthy relationship is one of trust, kindness, respect, understanding, and generosity; one that offers support and encouragement. But an unhealthy relationship is one where there is violence, distrust, cruelty, lack of responsibility, an imbalance of power, blaming, manipulation and extreme jealousy. Any relationship can turn out to be an unhealthy one, in fact unhealthy relationships are not limited to married or dating couples; they can happen while dating, friend-zoned or just in a pure friendship. Any relationship that is hurtful or harmful to your physical, mental, or emotional well-being is an unhealthy one. Sometimes it is almost impossible to spot an unhealthy or a dysfunctional relationship because it doesn’t happen as often, but sometimes we can see it, but then again we would be in denial, and maybe afraid to leave because of the fear of being alone. Unfortunately sometimes we stay longer in unhealthy relationships hoping that things will get better, but that could result in a tragic ending if things get ugly.
When there is a lack of consideration and respect in a relationship, the results can be devastating both physically and mentally.
Look out for the below signs, talk to your partner about them, try and resolve them, or find a way to get yourself out of the relationship:-
1 Extreme Unexplained Jealousy
It’s okay to be a little jealous sometimes. I mean almost everyone experiences jealousy to some degree. I don’t know but I think it is just a sign that maybe you care and have fear of losing your partner. But then again, it become a dangerous problem when jealousy becomes excessive, unnecessary and intrusive towards your partner. In extreme cases it get so dangerous in terms of assault behaviour, suicide, homicide or premeditated murder. Most of the relationship murder cases are reported to be a result of jealousy. So when you see continuous signs of jealousy from your partner, talk to them about it and find a way to resolve it, before it escalates to a dangerous situation.
2 Violence L
There’s many ways to resolve issues, but violence should never be an option. So if your partner is constantly trying to resolve issues through violence, then that is a huge serious red flag. If he/she can be violent towards you when you are having heated arguments, just be aware that there is a lot they can do to harm you. Any time you feel frightened or intimidated and fearing for your life in a relationship, maybe talk to your partner about it. Try and to get external help to deal with it, but if none of these help, know that it is time to get out and start running, your life is in danger.
3 Let’s Play The Blame Game
If every discussion turns into a huge serious argument about who is right and who is wrong and even the slightest differences in views are often perceived as personal attacks, and in addition to that the level of tolerance is low, then something is really wrong. You must have an understanding with your partner and be aware that differences will always arise in a relationship, but if you reach a level of maturity to deal with such, and understand that you can’t always be right, there’s a great deal of understanding and mature way of dealing with these kinds of issues. If you can’t agree on something rather agree to disagree, I think this is one way of resolving differences.
4 Imbalance of power
When your partner expects you to conform to their expectations of how you should look or behave, and making you feel inferior about yourself, then there is a bit of a concern there. It’s okay to get your partner’s opinion, and their advice, but no one should ever make decisions for you.
5 Lack of responsibilit
Everyone needs help now and then, but a pattern of expecting others to fix your mistakes or take care of them, is a problem. When someone constantly expects others to support them financially or emotionally all the time, that’s a clear red flag. In a healthy relationship, each and every person take responsibility for their own life, and decisions to ensure their live is in order.
6 Trust Issue/ Dishonesty
Lying has no place in a healthy relationship. Not only is dishonesty fundamentally wrong, but it breaks trust between two people. I don’t know but people lie all the time for a number of reasons, to either themselves out of trouble or to protect their loved ones. Whatever the reason or excuse is, it is irrelevant; the lack of honesty and trust makes a healthy relationship impossible. Once the trust is lost, it becomes almost impossible to gain it back. Things can get really messy when there’s dishonesty in a relationship.
7 Manipulation / Threads
When someone uses emotional blackmail to make you do things you are not comfortable with, that’s a serious red flag. Whenever someone makes you feel guilty, uses disapproval or threats to influence you. Also be weary of casual threads, like an argument breaks down and he/she threatens to kill you if you ever leave then they really mean it, you might not see it then, but one day they will actually do it. One day they will get so mad at you and actually kill you without realizing that they are really doing it (temporary insanity).
8 Frequent Criticism
It’s always good to joke and tease each other in a relationship, in actual fact it makes the relationship healthy. But if the intention is to hurt and belittle you, this is something you need to talk to them about. If they make you feel unworthy and inadequate by repeatedly disrespecting you, your thoughts and behaviour, and constantly making you feel like you are not good enough, intelligent enough, attractive enough or that your ideas are stupid or worthless. You are enough and if your partner cannot realize that about you, then they don’t deserve you.
These are just a few pointers that trigger violence and even worse murder in relationships, please be aware of the red flags, heed the warning signs, and GET OUT quickly if you have to.
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