I struggle with my imagined self and the self I am faced with every fucken time I wake up. These two ninjas are not the same guy. And for some reason the whole entire world around me thinks that’s OK because they two are in the same pond. It’s life they say. Ok if this is life I don’t want to live it. Not that I don’t want to live, yeah I been suicidal before this is not one of those times.
Is life a matter of catching up to your dreams? Or is it about being in the moment? Which ever one this shit is fucken frustrating AF. I HAVE lost all appreciation for small talk and meaningless chanter, laughter and casual sex. Fuck but those are all the things I am. I am the king of small talk, shit I can talk the fuck out of the weather. Laughing, shit ask anyone who knew me, Chuck jokes are my specialty. Lol. Tying lol now takes a piece of me to hell and back and than back to hell again.
My boy says this shit will pass. My tears, my confusion and my desperation to live love and laugh again. He will never lie to me. Well maybe, he might this mofo has before. But he will not lie to me about this, not about shit that can either harm me, he loves me and I him. So I take it as truth when he says this is life dawg, no one has the answers we just fake it till we make it, I cringe when he says that, cause I don’t want to fake it, I want real like the conversation we having now (wrote this in the car on the drive from polokwane)
I don’t want to fake it, I want the truth, and right now my truth is I am pretty fucked up. I ain’t shit. I ain’t got shit. In the world standards I am an alcoholic, drug addict with no prospects of being anything. Ngi muthalo (baggage) no woman will love you Lunga my grandma would say when I speak to her about my situation, you see she is old school, my living angle. She would sympathise with me when I cry to her, telling her how I long to love and live a life of a man she can be proud off, mostly how I want to love. She would be so understanding, but will always leave me with these words. Mtanami no woman will love you uganaluto.
With that all being said, that is an old chapter in my life and I am determined to rewrite another, one I and everyone around me can be proud of.
