Bazalwane, I have a fundamentally pertinent dubiety, or question for those less political, that I would appreciate your contribution on.

The question is on item nine of every itinerary attending to important matters of stomach logistics. The specific matter at hand is on the preference of pap among South African dwellers. This is to make sure that we ask Cyril Ramaphosa to deliver to perfect specifications when there at the Union Buildings during his presidency.

Below is a list of ways in which a cook may master the art of pap making, with you as the citizen given a chance to pick which one you would like to nibble on.

1. The Waterkloof Delight –

Right at the top of the list. This one is for people who are obsessed with adding ingredients to anything. They will throw in butter, or margarine for those on a tight budget, claiming that it gives a distinct taste. They can even put in paprika. You will never even know why but hey, you in Waterkloof. Just play along.

2. The Midrand Budget Beater –

This one is the two-cups “our maize meal must last the entire month” delight. Your fingers run deep into it even when it’s cold. That’s how watery it remains at all times. It always feels like soft porridge, but for Midrand niggas mostly, it has been cooked to perfection. They even eat it with a spoon because fingers can’t pull it from the plate. What else did you expect from Midrand people anyway?

3. The Sandton Cravings Smasher –

These ones grew up in Ga Marishane, and then got to Sandton to claim that they don’t eat pap anymore. They occasionally run to Spar to buy that Ace Three Minute what what thingy. You are never sure if it’s pap or phuthu. It needs salt too. Sometimes they add margarine, tartaric or wholesome for God knows whatever reason. They now even have Banana flavor. Bogobe bja banana. But the people love it.

4. The Mamelodi Crowd Pleaser –

Some call it the best in the country. It’s not soft, it’s not hard. It’s nicely in between. Those who love it say you can enjoy it without seshebo. You need to pay attention when you cook it. You need to be on top of your game. Only a few really master it. You watch the fire and the temperature. Even how you “loisha” says a lot about how it’s gonna come out. Preparing this one is more like science. Everything must be done to perfection.

5. The Tembisa Hostel Spectacular –

Its also known as bogobe bja banna. Hard as a rock. I hit your face with it, you are going straight to ICU. You eat it tonight and you will need food three days later. It is potent. You need to be strong to cook it. It is recommended that you go to the gym before you cook it. Men prefer cooking it themselves. It is mostly devoured straight out of the pot. No one is making makaku of that one. And having it as Molatja is a robust challenge.

6. Tšako Dipitšeng –

Ahhhh. This is where the ladies lose their men to. It is where men who haven’t slept home for three days find peace and solace. Where those who drank all night and have babalaaz, or those whose intentions are to leave home at 8 am, and go on a drinking spree until 10 am the following morning, find happiness. Now this is not about taste or quality. It always tastes good because you eat it super hot. There is a mama who moers it on a big drie-foot size 40 pot. You also find it at funerals (not funerals where there is catering). She even wipes her sthitho/mofufutso straight into the pot, improving the aroma.

Now ladies and gentlemen, which one do you best prefer?

By Masekepe Matsebane