By Obakeng Chabaesele.
Yes you are the main chick/ guy, but think like the side –
We grow to both fear and hate the side chick or side guy . But what if we could learn from them, instead of hating them? Even a side is “promoted” to the status of being a main to be comfortable in their position, sometimes so much that that they start worrying about the next side, become clingy and insecure, so much that they make their partner miss their predecessors.
Yes you are the main partner/lover but think like a side dish. However, let’s see if that won’t make you treat your partner way better than you treating them now. If your partner had another partner and you’re trying to brick the main just so you can take their role. What would you do? How would you behave? How would you treat your partner, if you wanted to win their affection? What changes would you bring into the relationship or better yet what would you bring to the table? How would you treat your partner if you knew someone else was in the picture? You would think, act and behave like a side. Also what’s the difference between a main partner and a side partner? Thinking pattern that governs how they talk, act and behave around their partner and how they treat their partner.
Since we spoke of the thinking patterns of main dishes and side dishes let’s compare their thinking patterns and how they carry themselves around their partner.
This are some of the few places where sides beat us, and as you know, if you can’t beat them join them.
By Obakeng Chabaesele
Yes you are the main chick/ guy, but think like the side –
We grow to both fear and hate the side chick or side guy . But what if we could learn from them, instead of hating them? Even a side is “promoted” to the status of being a main to be comfortable in their position, sometimes so much that that they start worrying about the next side, become clingy and insecure, so much that they make their partner miss their predecessors.
Yes you are the main partner/lover but think like a side dish. However, let’s see if that won’t make you treat your partner way better than you treating them now. If your partner had another partner and you’re trying to brick the main just so you can take their role. What would you do? How would you behave? How would you treat your partner, if you wanted to win their affection? What changes would you bring into the relationship or better yet what would you bring to the table? How would you treat your partner if you knew someone else was in the picture? You would think, act and behave like a side. Also what’s the difference between a main partner and a side partner? Thinking pattern that governs how they talk, act and behave around their partner and how they treat their partner.
Since we spoke of the thinking patterns of main dishes and side dishes let’s compare their thinking patterns and how they carry themselves around their partner.
This are some of the few places where sides beat us, and as you know, if you can’t beat them join them.
Personal space –
Diamonds are expensive because they are rare. Your problem is, you are too available, too clingy, overly attached and don’t have a life outside the relationship. That’s boring. We value things that are not too available, we value things that are rare. We value things we can’t control. Why do you think we last longer with people that don’t love us?
Give your partner their personal space, don’t stick on them like gum and give them space to breathe. Have your own fun, make yourself happy, be alive, be active, be involved in something outside the relationship, and let your partner be a little jealous, a little uncomfortable, knowing that your business and your constant interactions with different people can get them replaced, and that will get you the respect you deserve. If you only depend on your relationship for your happiness and your fun, you going to choke the life out of it, and drain your partner. If you generally live a happy and fun life outside the relationship you’re going to bring that energy into your relationship.
Possessiveness –
The main’s biggest problem is their possessiveness, how they feel entitled to their partner, how they think they deserve undivided attention twenty four seven, three sixty five, so much that they stop living their own lives and start living as their partner’s covert government intelligence agent, that’s supposed to do nothing but spy. They’re constantly bombarding their partner with questions like: Where you at? Who you with? What ya’ll doing? Mains are on a mission to control the partner, change their friends, and stop them from going to some places they love.
Motho ke motho wa modimo such a threatening but true statement. Sides live off this statement. They know that they don’t own their partner, they don’t try to control/guard the partner. Freedom is what makes them more entertaining and fun to be with and you? Boring because you believe and think that you own your partner and you don’t have a life outside the relationship, Sides have their own lives, they know they don’t own you so they give and take as much as they can in the little time they have with you.
Yes you will never fully know your partner but you can be open to learn every day
When you were born you could not use your hands and feet, you could not even speak sensible words, but you made it your mission to learn, you didn’t know how your parents were, how they reacted to different situations, behaviors and attitudes but you learnt. You didn’t know how to use a smartphone, computer, drive, but you made it your mission to learn. In the beginning of your relationship you learn as much as possible about your partner, and someday told yourself that you were finished learning not thinking about how your partner has not stopped growing and learning new things and changing. Sides will learn more and more about your partner so much they begin to know your partner more than you, and you act surprised when your partner leaves you for their side partner.
How they handle complains –
Sides function better with a disgruntled partner that has some sort of complaints against their main partner and this itself becomes their strongest point or greatest offering. If the partner complains about time they will give so much of it, if it’s a man and is complaining about submissions they will become the most submissive, if its intimacy and sex they will offer the best. Now on to the mains, they don’t really take their partner’s dissatisfaction seriously, if they don’t justify themselves, they try to make the partner feel bad for the dissatisfaction and become defensive about whatever dissatisfies their partner which then opens a hole or a functional space for a side.
Change and fix what you can and make amends where you can. Some dissatisfaction are unfair and unjust, like someone that wants to have an instant three sixty turn on your life, on your religious affiliation, wardrobe, or someone that hates your family/friends, wants to isolate you and wants to have you only to themselves. But there are changes like reducing your drinking, I don’t like how you talk to me, give me more time, learn to apologize when you wrong, use your money wisely. Be more focused, stop hanging around with bad friends. Yes you unemployed but do something stop being choosy, go job hunting, treat other people better, respect your elders, please change your eating habits. These are fair things a partner can require from their partner. But mains will ignore their partner’s constant calls for change until they find someone else.
Competition –
Let’s be honest nothing makes us perform at our level best like being in a competition , we always want to become better, we never relax or reach the point of cul-de-sac and we are on a mission of constant improvement. Trying to reach new levels and coming up with new methods of doing things. Sides are always onto something new, they always rock, mains are comfortable in their main partner title and never think about the competitive forces out there, they only think of competition based on how to hold their partners tighter, get rid of some few friends, go everywhere the partner goes, keep track of the partner’s movements, phone tapping and social media surveillance or take it to the streets, beat up everyone that tries to compete with them or even worse beat the partner instead of giving the best they can because they can only control what they’re offering nothing else.
Always remember that the only person you can control in your relationship is nobody else but you. Don’t be that insecure and clingy main, be that insecure main that uses their insecurity as a driving force for improvement because mains always feel threatened by anything and everything, Sides are paranoid and know that they are in a competition and therefore never relax or become comfortable. They always do things they know the main will not do, they thrive off the mistakes and weakness of the main, they work on being better than the main, they want to outperform and out last the main. Now let’s take this practice into our relationships, don’t be the same forever, you are in a competition with yourself, improve , get better, smarter, more interesting, more adventurous, beat the records and the standards you set and be better than you.
Fun and adventure
Sides are fun, random and adventurous. With the main it’s the same old same old routine, you know what to expect. So much it becomes a bore. As humans we like surprises, we like adventure, and we like having fun, fun makes us happy, happiness is the fountain of youth. Now if you are ever going to beat a side at their own game, you will have to make your relationship fun and adventurous, with random acts of love. Being predictable is the worst mistake you can ever do. Work on that. Be fun to be around stop this act of constantly fighting your partner, demanding stuff, make them want to be around you, make yourself irresistible, make yourself unforgettable and be so fun they can’t help but constantly come back for more.
In conclusion,
any effort aimed at fighting the sides is futile until you fight them in their own game, give enough personal space, stop being so possessive, don’t be all over your partner, be fun and adventurous, be competitive and keep on improving, don’t be insecure nor be paranoid, handle your partner’s complains like a side and let’s see if that won’t work in your favour.
By Obakeng Chabaesele
